they just dont get it.

you know, im so dependent on hoping its becoming a family to me.

okay so who am i kidding? when i read about successful applications to universities or hear about them, i DO get jealous. no scratch that, i get envious. so envious that i slipped unconsciously into depression and starts to get really grumpy, cant smile and all those shit. my mind just cant escape from pondering why i didnt do as well as the others, what the hell was wrong with me? and if the choice to not retake the As the best choice the right one? i wanna keep hoping, but eventually, this hope will just extinguish and leave me with resentment for myself, and I have a feeling the this day is coming soon.

and I just don’t get it.

Why must people smoke? Today while working, Karen/Siti took out their cigarettes and went for a cigarette break while i just stare after them in shock. Just stopping short of nagging at them and trying to persuade to quit (siti: don’t try to stop me!), I managed to get out of them that smoking is due to the stress (siti) and basically they cant quit (karen). Yes, I am not the only one who nearly suffered a heart failure at the knowledge of their smoking - HuiEn too. Is it just me or does it just affects people more when girls smoke? Like once, I caught Kimberly smoking while we were sleeping in the hotel room (damn, my tolerance of smoke smell is just SO high) and I couldnt look at her in the eyes the next day. It really affects me alot and I don’t take STRESS as the excuse. There are so much more things to do to handle stress. Practical things, like sleeping and bingeing (okay unhealthy, but it gives you a cleaner lung despite a bulging tummy). It is a very very LAME excuse, to smoke to escape for the stress.

Life poses all kinds of stress all the time, and the reverie a cigarette can provide is probably as short as the white goddamn thing is. So, why?

I’m really controlling myself on commenting on smokers everything I near them, especially if they are my family or friends. When Siti said that her pack is almost done, although its within two days, I still found myself wanting to shake her and stop her. But, I just changed my words to something somewhat gentler, like Erm, Siti? Go slower.

Just looking at the cigarette pack makes me puke and no it is not the obscene pictures on the cover.

There are simply too many thoughts going through my head and I cant post them all. Plus, I’m really sore and I’m having a rare (by rare I meant first time in my whole life) rashes at my joints and its circular like signs. Maybe its ominous, like I’m going to die soon or something.

How I wish. Oh by the way, dying is probably another alternative to solving stress than smoking. It allows a reverie for eternity and you are relieved from human pain forever.

Gonna consolidate all my thoughts and go gather my patapons to win the stupid stage two.

): Why cant I have a break although I try so hard to?